When I wasn't looking

Quietly it appeared while I wasn't looking
It came amid the bustle of every day life
I didn't see it beyond the grocery shopping, laundry and homework help
it seemed to appear out of nowhere, taking me by surprise
and yet here it is, dressed fully in colors and textures, smells and sounds
Fall












S and I got up early heading out for soccer yesterday and as we walked to the car he commented that the air smelled like Fall. That was when I noticed. All along the edges of the driveway were fallen leaves and the tree tops where showing signs of yellows and reds beginning their autumnal sweep. Soon the trees that surround my house will be fully ablaze in the colors of Autumn.

I have been so very busy in everyday life I didn't even notice the changes around us. The weather has been humid and hot this past week. All those new outfits waiting for cooler temperatures while I'm resigned to wear capris and shorts that are a bit on the baggy side...but better baggin than me saggin! I have had my head in my work, planning for a new unit, a field trip and our first party of the school year. Its like I've had blinders on. Now as I drive through town going to work, the grocery store or the soccer fields, my eyes are opened anew as I drink in the sights of my favorite season. Fall flowers catch my eye and I slow down as I pass them. Its time to buy Mums and plant them up at Tom's grave, although the petunias there have not given way.

Pumpkins and gourds wait at roadside farm stands waiting for excited children to lay claim to them. Soon we will be purchasing our own. I'll watch as my children painstakingly choose the perfect shaped pumpkin that will be transformed into a Jack-O-Lantern.












I take pause and recall past Autumns and smile at all the happy memories of this season from my own childhood up to my children's. I remember our last Autumn with Tom and while it can bring sadness and longing, it is filled with memories of fun activities we did as a family from visiting the local cranberry bog festival to carving pumpkins and trick or treating with our then small children.

And yet, while I love this season, I can't help but to feel sad about the change in the air. Goodbye Summer, another season has arrived.

You could use a lift

I have good friends. Friends that are not afraid to bring up delicate subjects when they need addressing. A week or so ago, I got the comment, "You look really good... BUT...you really need clothes that fit, these are just hanging off you." so I went and bought new clothing. Now that I'm in clothing that fits and actually show my curves, lumps and bumps, I'm open for more delicate discussions!
A new delicate suggestion has come up twice recently. The first time by my friend C. "You are looking great BUT..." I was slouching while conversing with her.
I know I have terrible posture and am really trying to be aware of standing up straight. But it wasn't my posture she wanted to address. Seems my bust is migrating southward toward my navel. I blamed it on the posture, the kids and the weight loss, she blamed the bra. C was not the only one to bring this subject to my attention so I am now wondering how many other women are staring at my migrating bust??? Last night, another friend started a conversation with "You look great! BUT.." oh boy...there is that word! "You need a new bra!" Seems the bust is supposed to be aligned with the armpit. I blamed the kids, the time of day (I was tired) and those tabs in the back of the bra I seem to have really started paying attention to. I did adjust them but they slid back to where they were! I decided to wait no longer. I usually head to Walmart, find the bras on sale, go to the drawer and pick a size. This time, I took myself to Victoria's Secret where I was measured and fitted. I tried on 2 styles and chose one. I bought two new bras and felt very special as I toted my VC bag out the mall doors. Upon arriving home, I donned the new bra, and then sat and googled information on bra fitting. I learned something new. Bras last somewhere between 5 and 6 months when they then lose their elasticity and need replacing. I hang my head in shame knowing I just disposed of 'to big for me now' bras anywhere from 1 to 2 yrs old!
Today I walk out into the world 'lifted' in both the physical sense and by friends who care enough about me to bring up these delicate subjects thus lifting my sense of self a bit higher.

What kind of flower would you be?

This morning I woke up to the sound of raindrops hitting the window and sighed a small sigh of relief. Today will be a quiet day with no need for me to drive back and forth from the soccer fields ferrying my 2 younger children to soccer games for playing and refereeing. It will be a day to clean up around the house then sit in a quiet corner and read a book or a magazine.

This morning, I went out to feed the chickens while the house was still and quiet and saw this Morning Glory resting in a pot of Lily I'd thought had died. It was a gift from one of my students last year. Many times in the past few weeks, I've been tempted to throw the pot away but either the color of the material surrounding the pot or my sheer laziness in picking it up and walking 10 feet to the garbage bin, had prevented me from doing so. But now, the Lily is growing again and this Morning Glory bloom seems to be resting on the edge of the pot encouraging the new growth.

I'm partial to Morning Glories. I supposed if I were a flower, I'd be a Morning Glory for all its characteristics that are similar to my own.

*They are 'morning people' they rise early, greeting the day.

I rise early having most of my energy in the mornings

*When the warm, loving rays of the sun retreat, they close into themselves seeming to gather in their energies preparing for a better day.

I'm known to pull into myself and become quiet during difficult circumstances.

*Like weeds, they grow quickly and persevere through obstacles set in their way. If not tended, they will wrap themselves over the porch rail, the patio furniture and I suppose oneself if you stood still long enough!

Perseverance could be my middle name... I won't let obstacles stand in my way. I will achieve what I am setting out to do in this life.

*They carry within their blooms a star

I carry Tom within my heart. When he died, the children and I chose a star in the sky (Orion's left foot). It helped them and more so me, to be able to talk aloud to the star when we were especially missing him and had something we wanted to tell him.

*They come in many varieties, my favorite being the ones with variegated leaves.

I wear many hats, bouncing from Mom, to Pre-K teacher..read as 'silly nut head' to professional, daughter, sister, friend and then back to Mom all in an afternoon.

But while I liken myself to a Morning Glory, today, I'll reserve those personalities and just 'be' for the day, gathering in the quiet and the gift of a rainy day.

Post Script 9/16/07 While I had all good intentions of enjoying that day... it was sadly not to be. Soccer was not cancelled. Meri played in a down pour and Sam reffed a very cute bunch of U8 boys. The rain ended abruptly once Meri's game was finished. We stood wet and shivering and watched Sam's game. After 3 hours on and off the field, I dropped the kids off for hot showers and I took myself up to the outlets and bought new clothing... THAT FITS!.... happy to report I can now comfortably wear a size 12 :)

Tag! You're it!!

My first "meme" I was tagged by Lori from http://ajourneytoourdaughter.blogspot.com/ thanks Lori!!

favorite movie - Braveheart
movie I saw last- The Ultimate Gift
Favorite TV show - When I get to watch TV, my favorite shows are Lost and Grey's Anatomy

Favorite type of pen- Those click able sharpie pens.... I have every color...my name is Lisa and I'm a sharpie-aholic!
What do you struggle with - Patience with my own grieving, moving forward into an unknown and unplanned future.
How many siblings-two brothers and two sisters
You are the oldest/middle/youngest sibling - Fourth of Five, I am the middle girl.
Pets names - Libby, our 5 and a half yr old Bichon Friese, Chloe, our 9 month old Shih Tzu 7 chickens! yes, you read that right!! Coop, Sam, Cora, Bub, Nike, Lucy and Maya, and one Hamster named Cinnamon.
Favorite breakfast - Right now on fat flush, my favorite breakfast is sweet potato pancakes. If not eating on plan, I absolutely love French Toast!
Favorite salad - An iceberg salad mixed with spring greens, hard boiled egg, cucumber, celery, carrots, red, yellow and green peppers, Bermuda onion and topped with grilled chicken and honey Dijon dressing...YUM!
Favorite desert(s) - I don't really have a favorite dessert
Favorite Holiday- Holidays are very difficult for me still. Yet, my favorite is still Christmas.
If you could do anything -This is a hefty question. There is so much that I'd do.... end hunger in the world, clean up the pollution etc. On a selfish personal level... buy a big house on the water on Cape Cod, make certain my family was out of debt...and the list could go on!
A female and male living celebrity you would meet - Maya Angelou and Mel Gibson
A deceased celebrity you would meet - Lucille Ball...that would be a fun gathering!
Your birthday - November 18
Favorite pie - Banana Cream
Favorite pastry - Cinnamon Walnut rolls.
Favorite Christmas song - Walk In The Reign
Favorite soda - I don't drink soda but when I did, it was Diet Pepsi with a twist of lemon.

What do you despise? - Hateful people, long lines
Most annoying thing people do - Play with their cellphone in the movie theater
What did you do last night - Took a walk, watched a movie, set up my new laptop
Any tattoos? - No
Pierced ears? - Yes.
Eye color - Hazel green with flecks of gold and brown
Black or brown accessories (shoes/bags) - Both.
Favorite color - Blue, Green, Grey... in that order
The walls in your bedroom are -yellow with flowers.
You can't wait for this show to start this fall - Lost and Grey's Anatomy
If you could have one skill it would be -To paint and draw very well as well as play the piano beautifully
I'm passing this on to : http://elasticwaistland.blogspot.com/ and any of my FAM friends that are reading this!

A promise kept

Early Sunday morning, I set out for a yearly event attended by many who come to walk and run in the memory of Jeff Coombs who died on September 11 aboard flight 11 when it crashed into one of the towers. I have known his widow, Christie, for a little over five years when we met through our grief counselor. She too is a mother of 3 just doing her best surviving and raising her children alone. Yet, unlike my own surviving, she adds to her life and credit the ability and drive to raise funds to help other grieving families.
I arrive amidst excited adults and children who enter the main doors of the elementary school to register and pick up a number to be worn on their shirts. In the past, I have always registered as a walker. Last year though I promised myself that this year I would be a runner. I'm nervous and excited to be trying something so new. I meet up with my friend Ellen and we stretch our legs still tight from a nights sleep. My friend outruns me at the beginning and I am alone running in this race amidst a sea of faces. Many pass me as we jog toward the first mile marker but I am not discouraged. I do need to walk now and then to slow my heart rate and catch my breath. I walk most of the hill during the second mile and as I pass the marker I'm told I 'click in at 24:06. 2 12 min miles..not to bad for a beginner! The third mile is the hardest for me as I am hot, sweaty and tired but I persevere and eventually make it back to the school entrance. I run to the finish line and am cheered on by strangers and my friend Ellen. I've made it and feel so proud that I didn't give up! I ran the race with a total time of 41:40 coming in 411 out of 433.

Today I sit and compare the road race to this 'race' I've been living since Tom died. I seem to be trying to find the 'finish line' to know that I am done grieving in some way and to have reached a place of the "new me" I've been waiting for. I know it isn't a cut and dry situation and while there are full days now that I laugh at life and what it brings me, there are also days where the pain of missing him is great and the tears flow with the slightest rememberance. Yet, like the race, I persevere and push through the days when I feel like I can't take one more step. I made a promise to him and to myself shortly after he died and that is a promise I intend to keep.

Caution Student Driver

I have a student driver living under my roof these days. Yes, P got his learner's permit. The other day I put my life and the car keys in his hands. We began with a quick run down of the panel and the various components. Then I went over the hand position on the wheel and the use of only the right foot to operate both gas and break. He casually said, "Mom.... I know how to drive" ummmm okay. He put the car into gear and began going forward only to realize he'd not readjusted the seat for his long legs and as he was looking down for the gas pedal, he almost hit the front porch. I'm sure you could hear my "Break, breaaaaakkkk!!!!" at least a mile away.

We got out of the driveway and he accelerated to the point creating a loud shrieking screech.... He managed to stop at the stop sign, again burned rubber and made it to the parking lot without loss of life or limb. ... note to self, have tire treads checked prior to snowfall....

In the parking lot, I had him drive around, park in parking lines and practice breaking. I felt confident after 15 mins to allow him back on the road. Along the back roads of town, we almost took out 5 mail boxes, 1 old lady and a squirrel. I was a wreck and do believe additional gray hairs sprouted during that ride! By the time he'd driven a mile down the street, my hand was cramped from clenching it, my shoulders had become a new part of my ears and I felt in need of some Valium!.......... He wants to go back out tomorrow.

On a lighter note.... ME! This past Labor Day weekend, we spent time down at the beach with good friends. The kids enjoyed digging in the sand while we adults rooted our feet into the sand and didn't move.....ahhhh relaxation! Yes, I chose some unhealthy foods during the weekend but upon returning home and to my routine, I found I'd lost another 2 lbs making my total 36lbs lost and only 15 more to go. I got in some early morning walks in while away and while I didn't get to walk most of this week, I got out Friday before school, this morning and will be walking tomorrow. The best reward of all though was my trip to Dress Barn last night. I bought 2 pair of pants (size 14) and a pair of shorts in a 12, thinking I'd eventually get into the shorts. I got home and decided to see how tight the shorts were and was thrilled to find they fit me perfectly! The pants were to baggy and so they were returned and exchanged for 12s today! Life is Good!!