18 years

Monday, June 23rd would have been our 18Th wedding anniversary. As I thought on our life together, I remembered the first time Tom brought me my favorite roses. I absolutely love pink and yellow roses. I had been dating Tom for a few months and one day in quiet conversation I told him of my love for these particular flowers. No one else in my circle of friends or family knew this. I was living in my dorm at UMASS Amherst and Tom living in an apartment off campus. It was my birthday and Tom was home studying. He called me 'supposedly' from his apartment to tell me he couldn't come over. I was a bit sad to be 'home' alone but had some studying to do as well. I grabbed my tea pot and decided to go out to the bubbler around the corner from my room. I left my room door open because I was around the corner and was gone all of a minute. When I came back, there sitting in the middle of my room was a vase filled with these beautiful yellow and pink roses and yet no note. No one was in the hallway, no one was in the stairwell, it was quiet. I'm not sure how much studying I got done that night as I'm sure I stared at those roses all night. The next day I thanked Tom for the roses which he denied came from him. Tom never admitted leaving those and insisted they were from my secret admirer...My own gut instinct says they were from Tom and I held that belief.... I guess I'll never really know.

SO, I'd spent the past few weeks dwelling on my upcoming anniversary, remembering our beautiful wedding, our vows and promises to love one another. I think I did a good job keeping my promises to him. I loved him for better or for worse...through arguments over money, small trials of married life and raising children.
I loved him for richer or for poorer.... we stretched our pennies and worked hard trying to make a house that was falling down around our ears a 'home'.
I loved him in sickness and in health.... well...he kept up this part more so with all the sickness that I seemed to attract. Coming home from our honeymoon to Mexico harboring a 'guest' the doctors termed 'typhoid' and Tom said, "I promised to love you in sickness and in health, but did we have to test it so soon?" and then again a year later and almost losing my life during the birth of P. Tom just gave me 'the look' and jokingly told me to stop testing him!
But the one I don't think I've kept well is "until death do us part" I can't just stop loving him because he died.... I continue to love him even though death darkened our doorway. And while looking back on photos can bring tears of sadness, they also bring tears of joy in remembering what a beautiful man I married and was lucky enough to have love me.

I do have a little confession to make though. I fretted and worried up until last week and then the day came and went without notice. It wasn't until last night during an anxiety filled dream where I was late for my wedding and running down the streets of my home on Cape Cod to the church, that I remembered. Could it be that I forgot trying to 'protect' myself from my own emotions... or have I come to a place of more healing where I can put it aside and hold it later? I remain curious about this.